h.e. thought.

A man and a woman create a child, with hopes of it growing to become a successful, happy, unique individual. Every choice a parent makes, is for the "best interest" of the child, more often than not, this causes a conflict of said "interest." The child generally will rebel, and not completely consciously, it almost seems as if there is a drive inside. One that will push you towards something, at the time it is unknown, but it is a place of climax... one of ultimate achievement.


This utopia, which may only exist in the mind, seems to manifest itself into many forms, ideas, objects, times, throughout one's life-cycle. Sometimes having simultanious "utopias" of great expectations causing rift's of sorts. Commonly there will be one utopia that will become the highest priority, and will eventually weed out the rest.

This is what we humans, or myself at least seem to be governed by, rather, it is exactly what we live for. For some people it will be a place, for some a person, for others an object... no matter what physical explanation it's given at the time, it all is one feeling. When you encounter that feeling, or find something that feels like a part of that feeling, you very well know it, and if you are unsure, time will prove it to you. When that thing is somehow taken away from you, the way in which your body and mind reacts, will be proof enough of whether or not your thesis on that being your utopia is true.

Today, I struggle with something much like this. With so much of what is true to me, being facts that would in any other situation, lead me astray from this. Instead everything keeps coming back to this being it, being my utopia, or some form of it, at least a stepping stone towards it. Im physically, and mentally trying to leave it, yet some force that is seemingly religious or spiritual, at the least unexplainable by the one who is experiencing it, keeps pulling me back.
it could just be self-induced, and I am simply speaking from a delusional state. But you are everything I have constantly thought about wanting for the past 21 years, and maybe its selfish, but I had it, and now I don't, so it's tearing me up... not knowing what you actually think.

I credit it to my poor communication skills.